¿Te Vas o Te Quedas?

The topic for this post was inspired by one little girl in the 3rd grade. On Wednesday last week the 3rd grade went to the circus. While we were sitting in the auditorium waiting for the other schools to file in one of the students around me, Paula, began asking if I understand Spanish. I told her that since I had lived in Spain for six months I ought to know some of the language by now. This made perfect sense to her, so she decided to test me. She began speaking simple sentences to me in Spanish, but I continued to respond in English. Perhaps I take my role a little too seriously, but oh well...

One of her comments was "Yo no quiero que te vayas" which translates to "I don't want you to go," adorable, right? Well, I had to explain to Paula that I had to go back to see my family and to do some things. She responded with "Pues, puedes volver para visitarnos por algunas meses?" or "Well, you can come back and visit us for a couple months, right?" Again, really cute but probably not going to happen. In a way I do feel bad for these kids, people like me come in every year and form bonds with them and then just as quickly we are gone. But the reality is the program only allows for a maximum stay of two years and, for me, Spain is wicked far from the United States.

Now that the weather is warming up and I walk home bathed in typical Spanish sun my conviction to leaving is weakening, but the reality is I know I won't be able to do a second year. It has been hard enough to be this far from my family and friends for this long, who knows what might happen in year two. I'm torn because I love Madrid. I love walking the streets and through Retiro park. I love the people (most of the time) and I love the lifestyle and culture of Spain. I ultimately would love to have an apartment here when I grow up so that I can come and feel like a part of the city any time I want. Madrid, and Spain in general, will always have a piece of my heart,but a much, much, bigger one belongs to my homeland. Noting about my wanting to go home is anti-Spain, just pro-other things, sabes?

Previous versions of myself would scoff at the idea of calling the US my homeland. I'd never been particularly proud of being American; in fact as a child I had often wondered what exciting lives children in other countries were leading. This time away from my country of birth gave me a new perspective on what it means to be American and how important America is for me. Perhaps some of this new found patriotism goes hand in hand with the election of a president who fits my views better than George W. Bush.

As for what I will do upon returning to the states, your guess is as good as mine. I have this feeling I will end up on the East Coast somewhere, hopefully working for an internationally focused organization... maybe even the government?!